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Monday, February 06, 2006

Charles is Bad With Women

How to not court a woman over AIM, lesson #17:

Girl: what would you think if i chopped off all my hair and donated it?
Charles: that'd be dumb
Girl: really?
Charles: yes.
Charles: No one cares if you donate your hair.
Charles: Give them like $20 or something.
Girl: You're an asshole.

Don't Fuck with John McCain

John McCain changes the tone in Washington from partisan bickering to hilarious, sarcastic belittling.

We view this as an opportunity to bring transparency and accountability to the Congress, and, most importantly, to show the public that both parties will work together to address our failings.

As I noted, I initially believed you shared that goal. But I understand how important the opportunity to lead your party’s effort to exploit this issue must seem to a freshman Senator, and I hold no hard feelings over your earlier disingenuousness. Again, I have been around long enough to appreciate that in politics the public interest isn’t always a priority for every one of us. Good luck to you, Senator.


John McCain

United States Senate

Article Here

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhog Shit Talking

Staten Island Chuck predicted an early spring, because he knows how to party down at the shore. Punxsutawney Phil was a little bitch who can't get the ladies, so he saw his shadow to ruin the fun for the rest of us. When asked for comment, Staten Island Chuck remarked,
"Let me tell you sumptin, Phil ain't come outta that hole but 14 times in 106 years. That's cause he's scared. He came out in '99, started frontin about the Steelers, then he made a remark about Jeter and BAM! Fohgetta bout it, he wished he woulda stayed down there another six weeks. As per usual, Staten Island Chuck will be heading down to the Jersey Shore with the bros, drinkin' some brews' and talkin up the Chicks. What now, Phil? You wanna step? You don't wanna step with Staten Island Chuck. Staten Island Chuck will mess you up. Yeah, that's what I thought, go back in your hole for another six weeks while we get wrecked down at Uncle Louie's beach house. Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros"

While Chuck is talkin up the ladies down at the shore, we're sure you will enjoy Staten Island Zoo's other main attraction, caged servals...which look suspiciously like the rare and endangered Staten Island Feral Cat.

Jew Caution

Well here's sort of an absurd throw-away line in today's Reuters piece regarding the uproar around those zany Danish cartoons mocking Islam:
Jesus Christ is mocked so often in Western media and art that it hardly causes outrage anymore and courts usually reject legal suits against the satire. Because of the horror of the Holocaust, Western media are much more cautious about Jews.
The statement is thrown into the middle of this article, not backed up by any example, fact or quote, and is quite awkwardly the opinion of Reuters author Tom Heneghan.

Puppies Used as Drug Couriers

There are people who do bad things, and then there are bad people. Get into a drunk bar fight over another man lookin at your lady, accidentally go to far and end up in County? Bad deed. Surgically implant heroin in puppies? Bad person. The latter is rotten to the core, has no hope of rehabilitation, and is so twisted and awful that there is only one answer: put 'em down.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

"America is Addicted to Oil"

Wouldn't that make the CEO of Halliburton and the former owner of an oil company (Arbusto!) pushers...?

Staten Island Chuck

Being a Californian, I've only heard stories of the mythical pit of Staten Island, yet never experienced it first hand. As we all get ready for Thursday's Groundhog festivities, and cameras turn to Staten Island Chuck (the island's only newsworthy event, outside of mafia hits, garbage dump leaks and methane gas) I decided to take a gander at the Staten Island Zoo website. Let us explore.
Bronx Zoo Front Page: Features a rather snappy slideshow of gorillas, lions and tigers.
World Famous San Diego Zoo: Interactive Flash presentation featuring polar bears, orangutans, and a safari expedition at the San Diego Wildlife Park. A baby elephant, racing cheetah and baby panda (Su Lin!) also appear.
Staten Island Zoo: Apparently created by two eighth graders in 1998, that which the Staten Island Zoo lacks in charisma it does not make up for in content. The touted exhibits? American River Otters and Servals (glorified, oversized housecats). A cheap pic-art groundhog graphic also appears of Staten Island Chuck. There's room in SD for you Chuck, so long as you can hop the ferry off the island.

120 Days of Red State America

Some would call it callous to characterize the grieving mother of a slain American soldiero as a cry-baby--particularly when those doing the characterizing advocated, and often did not fight, in said war. Let's get one thing straight, however; cold hearted, soulless fucks often produce some of the most original, cutting edge, biting social commentary, and ladies and gentlemen, the folks of "Right Wing Stuff" are our contemporary Marquis de Sade. With witty slogans advocating violence against ideological foes, such as, "The Only Way to Change a Liberal's Mind is With a Rock", and, "I (heart) Gitmo", these fine red-staters defend our country in true American fashion: by making a buck off the families of those grieving the war dead. Mazel tov!

Could Things Get Any Worse?

I've been meaning to comment on this for a few days, but it's just too surreal. Tragedy aside, someone's getting a chuckle out of the fact democracy in Palestine is finally realized (a development Bush took credit for last year) and HAMAS IS ELECTED. ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? THIS IS HIS PLAN? Democratize the Middle East, and DEMOCRATICALLY ELECT THE MOST VIOLENT EXTREMIST GROUP, save Al Qaeda?! Un. Fucking. Believable.
I can't wait to hear how this one is spun.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Panda Hand Puppet Laughs at Your Misfortune

Bull Charges Audience

A bull leapt out of the bullring, into the stands in Mexico city, injuring two of the arena's most well-heeled spectators. Hmm...tie a string around a half ton beast's testicles, then wave red flags in front of him to piss him off even more, and people are somehow shocked that said beast went bat shit.


New York Social Diary

More intrigue from the pit of the New York Social Diary. Apparently it isn't just the columnists who are intolerable--the folks they are reporting on (and pimping their rag to) are slightly less worthless than the writers themselves. Indeed, they are the writers, except with significantly larger bank accounts. I now know why my father despises the city so much. Don't get me wrong, I certainly found New York City to be the absolute shithole so proclaimed by my dad, between the giant subway rats, rude and obnoxious vendors, and belief of the citizenry that their mere wretched existence in a big, disgusting city warranted some social status. The New York Social Diary, however, offers the exclamation point upon the hell that is the city, offering portraits of the city's "elite"--a truly disgusting, shocking, and disturbing sight.

Let us begin with Baroness Von Langendorff--a woman who seems to have inherited a perfume fortune from her late husband Von Langendorff crops up at nearly all of the city's most 'elite' social gatherings. What. The. Fuck.

Next we have Prince Albert of Monaco alongside former San Francisco first lady and court TV Talking Head Kimberly Guilfoyle. Apparently since her split with SF Mayor Gavin Newsome, Guilfoyle has adopted a look that can only be described as 'Hooker-Chic'. You passed the bar hun, let's stop injecting ass fat into our lips.

Yikes! Women Entertainment's Judy Licht finds your soul delicious. Mmm...Souls....A sidenote. On this page (Found Here) I counted 77 white women (apparently "Ladies Who Lunch" is more appropriate than "Rich Crackers Who Are A Drain Upon Society") and one very out of place white man. Unfortunately no photos were taken of the help.

However, later in the afternoon, these white folks:

Did visit Negroes!

As Darcy Olsen of the Goldwater Institute once told me over wine at a very large mansion in the hills outside Phoenix, poor people find government handouts by liberals to be insulting. Trading computers for photo opps and to extinguish the guilt of white priviledge is apprently just fine, however.

Friday, January 27, 2006

iPod Video

I received a gift certificate for an iPod Video to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus (little known fact: the Messiah LOVES Duran Duran). I bought it online (free engraving and student discounts) and just tracked its shipment; apparently the little bugger is at a FedEx facility in Shanghai. I’m all for that wacky “Globalization” shenanigan, but couldn’t some asshole in Cupertino just engrave this $300 8-track player for me?