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Monday, May 23, 2005

Kevin Federline's words of wisdom

I feel that...I feel that love is love...love has...I don't believe in marriage. I believe you can get married.

holla.

Next Season on 24: Jack Bauer works at Homedepot

Now that Jack Bauer is, for all intensive purposes, dead, what the hell will happen to our beloved 24? Jack brazenly walked off into the sunset with his Urban Outfitters 2003 Aviator sunglasses to...civilian life? I don't know about you, but when I'm looking to re-do my guest bathroom, there's no one I'd rather have advising me on power tools.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Live from the Grand Ole Opry

For those who haven't been to the Opry, let me explain its awesomeness. The Opry is a radio show--which means the performers come out, do two or three songs, then commercials come on. This allows the greatest sight in show business--the wheeling out of the old person. Nashville has perfected the art of dressing up some near-dead corpse (in my case, Loretta Lynn), covering them in make-up and an over the top outfit, carting them on stage for a few tunes, then putting them back on their deathbed. Truly, amazing. They don't get this shit in France.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Fucking Madras

THIS is what Brooks Brothers is offering for my summer wardrobe? Ugly Shit

Off to Banana we go...

Monday, May 16, 2005

A's Fans are Thugs

And by thugs, I mean administers of justice, carrying out acts such as battery throwing at Mariano Rivera and, today, dousing Giambi with beer. Can't say those chumps didn't have it coming.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2060901

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Hey...I wear pastel polos...

I feel the need to justify my wardrobe. I wear polo shirts. I wear polo shirts en masse. In fact, I really only wear polo shirts. Simply put, it takes little effort to pick out one's clothes in the morning when they're all the same (and, frankly, all appropriate for every imaginable setting). It is, however, the pretention of popping one's collar or wearing a polo shirt to coordinate with your frat brothers which is insufferable. Regardless, this is mostly right on:

http://www.chrisabraham.com/2005/03/sriped_shirts_v.html

Sungod

No update...Sungod was today and boy was it neat. Pictures soon--lube wrestling for you dirty boys.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Related Fathers note...

I didn't make the last post to lay some sort of liberal guilt, about how lucky we are and must share our wealth with others. No, I don't believe we should feel guilty--but we should recognize that we've won the lottery of life. A guy who hits the powerball numbers shouldn't feel guilty for his dumb luck, but certainly he should appreciate it. The same goes for the American middle class--enjoy the wealth, don't exploit others, and be thankful. Thus while poverty is indeed painful to view, it was the father/son dynamic that I wished to express. I look up to my father--as many of us believe, our father is the hardest working, smartest, most caring and upstanding man alive. It hurts me deeply to see him suffer or to even thing of others slighting him, and to switch roles with the father/son beggar tag team in Tijuana is simply unfathomable. What is to be done? I don't believe the answer is to blame conservatives, liberals, globalization proponents or opponents--simply don't do things that continue to hurt this father and son (ie, trade restrictions, immigration restrictions, etc.) and allow the son to see his father succeed and gain dignity working something other than a Tijuanan street corner traversed by drunk college students on a Thursday at midnight.

Tijuanan Strip Clubs

Apparently, when you ask a Mexican taxi driver to take you to a bar, it means to take you to the sleaziest Mexican strip club around. Contrary to popular belief, Mexican strippers do not in anyway resemble J. Lo. That ass looks good in jeans...but that's really where it should stay. On a related note, is there anything more depressing than watching a man and his small son beg for money? The son, looking up to the father as American boys do their dad on the little league team or the fishing trip, instead sees him (idoliing him just the same) being reduced to begging shithead American college students for spare change? And to think, this is in fact the GOOD father--the one who cares so much as to stay with the family, attempt to make ends meet, even if it means having his son see him reduced to hitting up SD State frat boys (and UCSD dorks, yours truly) for cash. Painful indeed--and thanks again Dad for everything.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Insult to Impotence

An impotent Italian man must pay his new bride damages because he can't get it up. "The court ruling said Cristina S had suffered "a violation of her fundamental right to fulfilment, in the family and in society, as a woman, a mother and possibly as a mother".

Fill in joke here:
1) If only my girlfriend had a nickle for everytime I...hey...wait a second....
2) Why didn't she just cheat on her Mario with King Coopa, like Princess did?
3) French Women may not get fat...but Italian women do.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4541579.stm

What, no Michael Jackson joke?

The San Diego Union-Tribune reports that the city is about to purchase the site of the ill-fated Childrens Museum--originally developed for $14mil, for $10.
http://www.uniontrib.com/news/metro/20050512-9999-7m12museum.html

Jeff Gannon Residue

Instapoll: Which is more credible, my former high school paper The Talon, or Jeff Ganon's infamous publication, Talon News. Although it is rumored our editor too was a gay male escort, at least he didn't advertise on cheesy internet beefcake sites.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Fuck you Apple

The end is in sight for Steve Jobs and those crazy moonies over at Apple. He already ran his 'holier-than-thou' company into the ground once...now it looks like he's doing a great job at a repeat. The Apple iPod refuses to accept music from other services, and now that Yahoo (http://music.yahoo.com/) has come out with their own, ridiculously awesome $5/month subscription, there is simply no reason to own an iPod over a Dell Jukebox. In fact, I'm selling mine on ebay to buy the Dell machine next week. For those who don't know--it does look quite snazzy, but is (like everything else those Hitler youth make) a piece of unreliable shit. Not to mention their customer service--whose attitude is that they're doing you a favor selling you their amazing products. So, fuck you Jobs, fuck you apple, dude, I'm getting a dell.

Craigslist Casual Encounters

Commenting on this would just ruin it...30-something asian professional looking for love believes this is his way to find it:
Do you have any yellow fever or Asian persuasion? While you are looking for Prince Charming which can take years in LA, why dont you meet your sexual needs with this smart, funny imported beefcake as your friend and fuck buddy? Since your Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, let me Usher you to my Candy Shop. I am not Mick Jagger but I can get you Satisfaction. I am not Elton John, but Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
Do you have any Chinese in you? If not, I can give you some with no G-string attached, and you can even have a ball .... :) I can open more Doors than Jim Morrison, so Cum On Baby, Light My Fire. Save drama for your mama, and enjoy some original comedy with me. I may not be a De Beers diamond, but I can last forever. I am not Robert Redford, but I can write a pretty Indecent Proposal. I am not Billy Joel, but I like you Just The Way You Are. I am Sweet n Low, because I have no Equal, and can Work It better than Missy Elliott.

Got Milk? I am a weapon of ass seduction, a muscular alpha male, confident, exotic, erotic, intelligent (MS CalTech, USC PhD program with a Lick Her license), discreet, diclicious, juicy, cerebral, and funny Asian stud, 30 years young, 69 inches, 185lbs, works out daily, non-smoker, disease and drug-free, smooth, shaved, hot but way cool, well hung but not cocky, thick and uncut for your Sugar Walls. I love animals, and can lick your kitty, spread your eagle, do a doggie, taste your Red Bull, kiss your Jaguar, or horse around with the cock. I am not Madonna, but I can Juicify My Love. I am not George Michael, but I Want Your Sex. I can host since I have nice condo near Westwood Village and Sports Club LA with heated swimming pool, sundeck, tanning chairs, koi pond, waterfall, lush landscaping, jacuzzi, steam room, gym, personal sauna, French music, satin sheets, and decorated with art and statues.

I am not Cameron Diaz or Russell Crowe, but I am The Sweetest Thing with A Beautiful Mind. I am not Marvin Gaye, but I can give you Sexual Healing. I am not Al Pacino, but I enjoy Scent of a Woman. I am spiritual, witty, can make you laugh, connect with you on many levels, and fill you with more Passion than Mel Gibson. I am not an Oscar winner, but I am a Million Dollar Baby for a goddess who can ANALyze This. I love to go downtown on an Uptown Girl because I am a more cunning linguist than The Interpreter who can cumfort you regularly as a friend with benefits, or if we click, supply more LTR than a nympho can swallow.

I am a porn-again Christian who disagrees with the Pope on contraception and celibacy, so cum play with my bishop, get baptized with holy fluids, and cummit a cardinal sin. I am Home Alone in Westwood so you can just bring your bikini and swim/jacuzzi/sauna with me, have some wine, nuts, mushroom, sausage, conversation, and creampie, watch DVD, enjoy my humor, get under my foreskin, and receive a facial. I can rock you better than Rod Stewart, so if you want my body and if you think I am sexy, just reach out and let me know. I look gorgeous naked, and can outlast the Energizer bunny for your Close Encounter of the Wild Kind, so email me stats, pics and perhaps your # so I can fulfill your Booty Call and be the boy toy in your Happy Meal. I am not Orlando Bloom, but I can give you a taste of the Kingdom of Heaven. I am not Elvis, but I will Love You Tender.

La Perla bra & thong $250
Jimmy Choo shoes $400
Tiffany diamond ring $18,000
Finding a talented Chinese Takeout who can make you laugh AND cum......priceless


Buff Eddy

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Going to Ford's theatre for the play...

...is like going to Hooters for the food. Go pick up Assasination Vacation.

Insert "Full of Shit" joke here...

Yet another fine example of politics in America's finest city. Councilman takes political favor to get a great deal on unclogging his toilet. Donna Frye might be right...let's see how we do without a government for a while. If only the same applied for administration at UC San Diego...

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/metro/20050509-9999-1m9gifts.html

Old News

David Brooks provides today's motivational quote, from his Sunday column (luckily I'm only a good 30 hours behind on the news)

"Don't take people at their word. Don't listen to them when they tell you how to be virtuous.
They're faking it. They don't care about virtue, or you or the common good. They're just taking opportunistic potshots under the guise of sermonizing. They're just a bunch of hypocrites."

Monday, May 09, 2005

Things not to say to your dean...

7:45PM, UCSD Roosevelt Dining Hall:
Me: "Hey! Dean Scott! What's up you crazy cat?"
Dean Scott: "Excuse me?"
Me: "I didn't know you ate here! I thought you just fed off the souls of students minding their own business...I guess you learn something new everyday."
Silence....

Friday, May 06, 2005

Tonight's Cops Quote

OK, I know it's cliche and frankly too easy to just fill this thing with quotes from Cops, but this one's a gem. Says an inoxicated, stereotypical white trash fellow from Tampa Florida, after beating his wife,
"She broke Jesus' head off on the headlight and broke the trailer, and went to jail. Let me drink the rest of my beer for now"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Laserquest

Proving, once again, that I should be living in northern California with my friends from high school, my buddy Zach recommended we do LaserQuest tomorrow night. Jesus Christ this kid is a genius--clearly why he goes to Stanford and I attend UCSD. Anyway...look forward to tomorrow's awesome update, complete with laserquest pictures.

Mom's Quote of the day:

Elimidate? I hate that show. It's just a bunch of whores.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

First Post

Welcome. There will be plenty of updates in the next few weeks as I figure out how to use this thing, finish up college, and get a puppy.