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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Deviled Eggs




Today I embarked on a culinary adventure. I had always thought that deviled eggs were somehow difficult to make and that my microwave-restricted cooking ability would not be able to handle the delicious appetizer. But then I found out that you just take the yolk out of a hard-boiled egg and mash it with mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, and then jam the mush back in. I was pretty proud of myself after doing this. I was less proud after I ate 9 of my creations however.

My cholesterol traded up on the news.

He's not a doctor...

...but he plays centerfield for the Oakland Athletics. After hurting his shoulder slamming into the outfield fence, Eric Byrnes received an X-Ray. Upon reviewing it himself (the doctor was out of the office), Byrnes compared it to his other, healthy shoulder. Of course, the A's resident crash test dummy saw nothing wrong and cleared himself to play. The A's have won 7 straight and get their best middle reliever, Chad Bradford (of Moneyball fame) back at the All-Star break. Only 7 games out of first place and 4 out of the wild-card, the A's are right back in this thing. Thank Jesus our summer here at Pillow Talk isn't ruined.

SF Chron Article

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

More Shameless Google Tuesday

Donkey Show Dorks Fat Chicks Party Hats Andy Has Small Penis Paris Hilton Cheeseburger Cheeseburger Cheeseburger John Belushi Jim Belushi (whoops--nevermind about Jim Belushi) Google Googlism Froogle Bush George George Bush Duke Cunningham San Diego Stanford Blows

Shameless Google Tuesdays!

This is the first of what is to become a new Pillow Talk tradition: Shameless Google Tuesdays! In an effort to enhance our Google ranking, every Tuesday we will simply list buzz words that people are likely to be searching for on the internet, such as "Lindsey Lohan". Yes, that's it. Simply a list of words. Shameless, I know, but it's not called Honorable Google Tuesdays for a reason. Well here it goes. 1st ever Shameless Google Tuesday!

Paris Hilton - Tom Cruise - Katie Holmes - Batman - Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen - Brooke Burke - goat sex - Pimp My Ride - Jennifer Aniston - penis - Jessica Simpson - goat sex - Maria Sharpova - Brad Pitt - Tsunami - goat sex - Desperate Housewives - Michael Jackson - Spring Break - goat sex

Well that's all I can really think of for now. And for those of you who reached this page hoping to find a video of the Olsen twins having a three-way with a goat, I'm sorry to dissapoint you. However, I could probably get you a link to such content by the end of the week.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Duke Cunningham Apologizes.

Duke Cunningham blamed the public for perceiving any wrong doing on his part today in a personal statement posted on his website. He informs us that he, "acted honorably and honestly," apologizing only that he did not, "consider how this transaction might be perceived by others who don't know me." Hmm...The guy you sold your house to for twice its value just happened to be the same guy you awarded contracts worth tens of millions of dollars. I'm not sure I want to know you, Duke. In fairness, Duke tells us he lived on Mitchell Wade's boat in DC and in return paid docking and service fees of approximately $13,000 since April 2004, which is true comes out to roughly $1,000/month--far below what an equivalent apartment would go for in DC, but still a respectable sum. Regardless, add it to the $700,000 Wade outright gave Cunningham, and things are pretty fishy to say teh least.

Cunningham's Steaming Pile

Salutations

I don't really have anything clever to say yet, but I just wanted introduce myself. My name is Zach, and as Charles mentioned, I do attend Stanford. However, what he has yet to realize is that I'm not intelligent in any relevant way. I know nothing about the Middle East, the stock market confuses me, and I really have no solid career goals. Yet I can play the Super Mario Brothers theme song on the piano which is pretty much why I was accepted to such a good school. Anyway, I will try to live up to the standard that Charles has established for this blog although by the number of comments he receives on his posts, I don't think anybody will really notice the difference.

Let's Get Ready to Bullshit

UC San Diego summer school begins today, and oh what a journey it will be...you see, UCSD is divided into colleges as previously described, and while yours truly has taken all of his other requirements--and plenty of graduate courses that are not requirements--I did not take 4 of the 6 remedial writing courses. Thus, this summer is going to be fun fun fun! 4 courses, 10 weeks...and a whole lot of bs.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Partner in Crime

Starting tomorrow, this blog will have not one but TWO (2) people writing for it. The bottom of posts should tell you where to forward your hate mail. I recommend Zach--he goes to Stanford.

Culinary Delights

After an extensive and very scientific study, the Triscuit Pizza has been shown to be the finest food item prepared in under 5 minutes. Make your own triscuit pizza with the following delicious and nutrient-rich ingredients:

Pasta Sauce: Trade Joe's Rustico
This is truly a great find. At a mere $3, Trader Joe's Rustico sauce is low in acidity and bursting with sweet tomato flavor. Joe makes his sauce with Plum tomatos--sweeter and better for you than regular tomatos. At a mere 4 net carbs, it's healthy too!

Cracker: Ralph's Generic Woven Wheats
Wow--these crackers are truly in a class by themselves. I've been spending upwards of $4 per box of Triscuits, and these guys are JUST AS GOOD at a mere $1.50. I finally sacked up and purchased a box, always worried they'd never be able to match the great taste and crunch of Triscuits, but BOY was I wrong!

Cheese: Muenster

Melts much more evenly than its competitors. Jesus Christ it's a slow news day.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Operation Yellow Elephant

So I'm pretty darn conservative, but the whole "war" thing (and the the bullshit which preceded it) sure makes those self righteous campus conservatives look...well...obnoxious. So, much like President Bush, tell those kiddies to sign up, and visit Operation Yellow Elephant. Operation Yellow Elephant

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Geek Alert

Yes, Mountain View is home to Google, Microsoft's second home, Yahoo, Lycos, etc...Thus we get all hot and bothered by gadgets and things that surely will prevent us from finding female companionship. That said, this is pretty awesome. A wireless, high speed internet connection that works anywhere your Verizon cell phone can get a signal. Right now the service costs $80/month, but once Sprint rolls out its service by year's end, it should be half that.

NY Times

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Flag + Lighter = Angry Duke Cunningham

The House passed another flag burning amendment 286-130, again showing the Democrats unable to begin any sort of actual dialogue about debate. The always eloquent (and bribe-taking piece of shit) 'Duke-Stir Cunningham,"Ask the men and women who stood on top of the (World) Trade Center," said Rep. Randy (Duke) Cunningham, R-Calif. "Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment." Actually, I think they'll tell you, "Find Osama".

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Real World: Austin

Austin? Come on--the only way to save this franchise's ratings is to send it to Tijuana. Or how about this--The Real World: Sudan. You send the requisite two frat boys, emotional black dude, blonde slut, fiesty exotic chick, and girl with eating disorder off to Khartoum and give them jobs. Like running a fruit stand. Add some cool challenges on top of that--say, starting a shadow government--and WHAM, a hit! The frat guy getting tanked and nailing a disease infested hooker in the ass would be an episode all by itself.
G'Evening from La Jolla. I'm back in San Diego, geared up for 18 units (4 and a half courses...) in the next 10 weeks. But then--no more UCSD!

Fat Ankles

Fat Ankles. Have a nice day.

These Boots are Made For Syphilis

Mark it down everyone--June 20th, 2005, Jessica Simpson officially became a whore. And Papa Joe Simpson is her mac daddy. This, certainly, has been said before, but the new Dukes of Hazard video--in which she inexplicably writhes around, bikini clad, on the hood of the General Leenwhile Joe high fives some key grip in the background confirms it. I originally wasn't buying all of those Jessica Simpson shlepping Bam Margera rumors, but now who knows what the preacher man will do keep his daughter in the news...

Every cancer-stricken 15 year old boy's request to the Make A Wish Foundation

Monday, June 20, 2005

Desperate Housewife...

Not even mentioning Harvard, Princeton, etc., couldn't UC San Diego at least get something better than the guy the guy from Desperate Houswives?

MIT: Irwin Jacobs (HE BUILT OUR ENGINEERING SCHOOL--HOW DIDN'T WE GET HIM??)
Case Western: Chris Matthews
UC San Diego...The latino hunk from Desperate Housweives. I shit you not. Ricardo Chavira--the Mexican criminal married to Eva Longoria--spoke at the UC San Diego graduation for Earl Warren College.

Duke Cunningham Takes $700,000 Bribe

Mitch and Randy are friends. Duke wants to sell his $900,000 house, and Mitch wants to buy it. Over here in the real world, Mitch gives Randy$900,000 and that's that. But when Mitch is Mitchell Wade, President of MZM Inc., a major defense contractor, and Randy is Randy "Duke" Cunningham, powerful Republican congressman from right here in San Diego, Mitch ends up paying $1.7 million for such a home. Of course, Mitch already has a pretty nice pad, so he sold the joint for only $1 mil a few months later, and is currently getting well over $60mil in defense contracts from his buddy Duke. Oh, Duke also lives on the Duke Stir, a giant yacht docked at the Washington Yacht Club. Ahem, the Duke Stir is shockingly owned by Mitch...To paraphrase Jon Stewart...WHITEWATER? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Mitch wrote Duke a check for $700,000 in return for defense contracts--and whitewater??!?
I wish I was making this up...
Another Shitty Article from the SD Union-Tribune

Song of the Week...

Ray Lamontagne's Burn. Lyrically, the best written song on Lamontagne's amazing debut. Hannah, the 7th track recorded with Sara Watkins of Nickel Creek, is the best song on the album and shows flashes of what we can expect in future efforts from Ray. But, for now, the lyrics of the song of the week:

Oh mama don't walk away, I'm a goddam sore loser I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you And I'm so lonesome without you And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone with my soul sat down so tight it's like a cold tomb
Its clear when I'm near you, I'm just dying to hear you calling my name one more time
Oh so dont pay no mind to my watering eyes, must be something in the air Im breathing
Yes I try to ignore all this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had was just selfish and sad
To see you now with him is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can
and I will stand here and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here and burn in my skin

Tom Cruise: 1. Punk'd: 0.

So Tom Cruise--for once--acted in a completely reasonable fashion. The target of a squirt gun attack by some British version of Punk'd, Cruise responded as every celebrity should to such a stupid prank--by calling them jerks. "You're a real jerk," Cruise calmly told the assailant. Much like that piece of shit Ashton Kutchner, they were in fact jerks. Now if only one of those Hollywood (mainly, not surprisingly, female) victims of Kutchner's unfunny, ridiculous assaults (see Rachel Bilson's episode, in which Ashton pretends her dog nearly got run over by a car...ha...ha...) would react similarly, viewers may finally see him for what he is. An immature, upper twenty-something, trucker hat wearing tool. That said, my summer job is oh-so-stylishly tearing holes in $1,000 sportscoats for Mr. Kutchner. I'm hoping for a promotion to be his Kabbalah advisor (might as well use my half-Jewishness for something...)
In today's Los Angeles sideshow, Kutchner--a member of Hollywood's newest cult (Kabbalah)--certainly loses out to Cruise, a member of Tinsletown's aging freakshow (Scientology).

Tom Cruise. Victim.
See Ashton Join a Cult
At least Cruise' mindwashers produce a decent newspaper

Will Smith. Dancing Fiend.

Will Smith needs to be stopped. It's one thing for women to embrace dancing, using it as an excuse for a night on the town with the girls to blow off some steam. But now Will Smith--the metrosexual of rap--is somehow trying to convince us he's Justin Timberlake. Big Will, N'Sync had an excuse--they danced (ahem) in sync with each other, using coordinated moves to both make them less threatening to parents and oh-so-sexy to their pre-pubescent followers. You, sir, have no excuse. So go knock it off or your wife is going to be the one known for killing aliens.

VIXENS

I'd like to thank Maxim Magazine for placing a CD, entited "Interactive Naughy Supermodel Vixens" inside last month's issue. Unfortunately, I left the CD in my car before I got a chance to interact with said supermodels, mi madre picked it up and now I'm a full fledged pornographer. To this I say--much like the Katie Holmes Tom Cruise fiasco--Bullshit.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

NY Times' Gay Guide

A round of applause for the New York Times, finally producing that ever helpful "guide to queers". Apparently, All the News That's Fit to Print includes a clear definition of the term, "Chelsea Boy". Make sure to check out the ever helpful chart, with information such as an Extral Large Pink Polo shirt being a CLEAR sign of a straight man.

Hone your GayDar with the NY Times.

Reno 911 and Mike Aguirre

Reno 911 has been on a tangent the past few weeks--the deputies were fired, and sent to prison by an overzealous DA, "Mike Powers". Comedy Central plays Reno 911 re-runs constantly (especially after 11PM) so check it out and watch Mike Aguirre...Powers...persecute Reno's finest.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Germany

Just checking in. Finally moved out of UCSD, back home for a few weeks until my final term (summer session), then off to Munich.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Just go

There's nothing to say about this. Just go. www.whoopidouble.com

Religion + Attractive Woman = Risky Business

As we all await the Battlefield Earth Redux that is War of the Worlds, here's today's Cruise-Watch 2005 story to snack on. Damn you, L Ron Hubbard and that chick from Dawson's Creek for ruining Tom Cruise.

Cruise Goes Loco

PS--Anyone who wispers, "It's gonna happen man", (referring to getting married) to some reporter...get some help dude.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Jess Helms LOVES Showtunes

Who knew? I just assumed he croaked along with Strom Thurmond--someone threw water on the two of them and they melted or got squashed by a house. More importantly, Helms clearly didn't write this book, because there's no way in hell he knows who Clay Aiken is.

Jesse Helms Memoir

Build-it-Yourself Nuclear Weapon Kit

A la Drudge...Why the hell does the UN have the blueprints to build a nuclear bomb anyway?

Whoops.

It really smells like a port-a-john in here.

Seriously--this place is really disgusting. I've only got 3 more days in it, but damn if this isn't revolting.

Hamsters and Dorm Rooms...

A word to the wise: Do not get a hamster in a dorm. The little guy's cage broke (which, of course, was kept outside my room due to the odor) and now he has to reside in one of my dresser drawers. Needless to say, my room smells like a Giants Stadium Port-a-Potty. Amazing how much stench such a little tail-less rat can produce.

Tobacco Row

In a Yoda-like pronouncement, everyone's favorite tobacco lawsuit judge Judge Gladys Kessler stated at the justice department's request to reduce Big Tobacco's penalty from $130bil to $10bil, " "Perhaps it suggests that additional influences have been brought to bear on what the government's case is." Sarcasm laid on as thick as bbq sauce on North Carolina pork ribs--delightful Judge Kessler.
NY Times Article Here

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

As Promised...

Unbelievable Shit #2. Not only, as discussed in the previous post, did Bush appoint the head of the tobacco lobby to head up the government's case AGAINST the tobacco lobby, he ALSO appointed the former head of the largest oil industry lobby to construct the US's environmental policy. Oh, and the guy then made some light editorial changes to scientific research on global warming. Perhaps I'll make some "editorial changes" to research for my final essays and see how well that goes over...Yet, the Democrats can't get any of this shit to stick...wow...

NY Times Article

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ray Lamontagne Interview...

So my first big interview for the San Diego City Beat is tomorrow. Ray Lamontagne is my unwitting subject, and I must say this whole process is rather unnerving--it is my job to pry into this guy's life and find something original. Transcript to be posted after the article is published...hopefully I'll will be respectable.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I'm Huge in Japan

Japanese scientists, motivated exclusively by centuries of small penis jokes, plan to build the largest drill in the world, plunging it through the Earth's crust later this year.
UK Guardian Article

Deadlines? We don't need no stinking deadlines.

Switched computers, now I'm back. My apologies, vast bodyless void to which I'm writing. If you haven't picked up Brian Wilson's Smile (I know, this is about a year dated) do so immediately. Not only is it the most amazing album I've heard in the past year, but it reminds us all that if we miss a deadline, we can always make up for it. Even if it is 40 years after the fact. (original release date for Smile? 1967) I'll be finishing up at UCSD after the summer--a summer filled with four terrible, mandatory courses and another feeble attempt to whip myself into shape prior to next year's trip abroad. Where to? That's tomorrow's post.