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Saturday, July 09, 2005

Money Doesn't Grow on Trees

Lately all I can find myself thinking about is how I am going to make a lot of money in a short amount of time without any sort hard work or excessive start-up capital. The idea of building a fortune through prudent buy and hold investing and 30+ years of climbing the corporate ladder only to find myself 65 years old and living in Fort Lauderdale with a bald head and a Buick LeSabre just doesn't appeal to me. I want the money now so I can blow it on sports cars, plasma screens and a drug habit I hope to develop in the near future.

So far I haven't really come up with any worthwhile ideas though. I tried developing a betting system for roulette in which I could vary my bets in a way to overcome the house advantage. As an example, let me explain to you a well-known roulette betting system, the Martingale. In the Martingale you bet a minumum amount and proceed to double it each time you lose. Once you win you return to your minimum bet. In theory it works because odds are you're not going to get 100 reds in a row if you're betting on black. However, the system has its obvious problems. First of all, even if your initial bet is $1, after 7 straight losses (yes it happens) you're forced to bet $64 bucks just to win one dollar. Call me a wuss, but I just can't do that knowing that if I lose again I have to bet $128 the next time. Additionally, most casinos have table maximums of $200 meaning that after your seventh bet while starting with an initial wager of $2, (you'd be hard-pressed to find a casino with a $1 minimum for an even-money bet in roulette) you can no longer double your bet to follow the system.

So, I thought I could come up with a betting system that thousands of people with PhDs in mathematics and statistics have somehow overlooked. After a few trials with a random number generator my system turned out to be profitable. Needless to say, I was excited. I started to lavish the idea of giving out business cards that read, "Zachary Keats - Professional Roulette Player". Yet as you can probably guess from the fact that I'm writing a blog entry at 1:30 am rather than doing 150 in my ferrari with 4 girls from the new Fat Joe video in my backseat, further trials of my system proved unprofitable. Highly unprofitable. You'd have made more money if you blindly placed your wagers on the table and were betting with Pringles as opposed to real casino chips. So I'm back to the drawing board in terms of coming up with a get rich quick scheme. There is one benefit of my failure though. Because I live a good 8 hour drive from Vegas, even if I was to play roulette for a living I'd have to do it online. And what could be less exciting than playing online roulette? Part of the reason people spend billions of dollars a year on gambling is because they want to be in a casino and feel the thrill of playing a game of chance in an exciting environment. With online roulette, the suspense is shot as you wait for a pixelated little grey speck to land in a slot that a random number generator (neglecting probable corruption on the online casino's part) determines as a sound file of people applauding rings through your headphones. But if you think that's bad, imagine playing online craps. Instead of having some hot blonde in a cocktail dress at your side wishing you luck, you can have your computer fan blow on your dice. Score.

Anyways, if any of you out there have a good way for me to make a lot of money very quickly that does not involve selling herbal supplements out of the trunk of my car then holler at your boy.

Editor's Note: It's "holla", not "holler". Get it right next time Zach or we'll lose our blogging street cred.