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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Dear Tyra Banks: Why Do You Have Red Hair?


Dear Tyra,

We both know our relationship is on the rocks. I enjoyed your few months slumming it in Sacramento. While others mock your TV show, your personality, or your complete lack of a sense of fashion, I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you've received bad advice, or perhaps the fact I only purchase pants at Costco leaves me hesitant to ability to remark that it appears you stole your new, cheap, burgundy hair style from a 16 year old South Korean street-walker.
Yet during tonight's Next Top Model elimination ceremony, not only did you choose to cut the uber-hot Christina, but you also combined four cliches in two sentences. "One of you is full of life. But there is time for play, and time for work. Your progress today, makes us all say, 'what has she learned'?" Your voice--dripping with faux-gravitas while uttering such absurdities--is a shame to the modeling industry, the fine UPN Network, and the great United States of America. Shall you burn in the fiery inferno of hell and be stuck driving a Mercury Milan until the end of days.

Disdainfully,
CW

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Who's running GM?


GM is banking on MIT's "Cars of the Future"--tiny, two person, non-polluting rides which are shared by citizens of a city and can "attach" themselves to public transportation devices. Two obvious problems: 1) No one in their right mind would get into one of these things after the rest of New York City or Chicago has parked their bums there (at least there's a community check on public transportation vehicles--people are watching you to ensure you don't perv off in the middle of the bus) and 2) cities are becoming largely less centralized, decreasing the need for cars as powerful as sowing machines. Another brilliant move by GM: invest heavily in technology that will come to fruition--at best--20 years after you declare bankruptcy.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

CATO Tarnished

CATO Fellow for Sale

Doug Bandow, a fellow at the CATO institute--which claims to hold small government, pro-liberty ideologies--took cash (read: bribes) from Jack Abramoff to write columns sympathetic to Abramoff and his interests. The CATO institute claims to hold a rather libertarian slant. Alas, Doug Bandow taking cash from Jack Abramoff in return for writing friendly opinion pieces not only tarnishes the reputation of Bandow and CATO, but also paints CATO as hackish organization for the Republicans who have been anything but for smaller government and increased individual liberty.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fuck.

Mr Pibb + Red Ropes = Crazy Delicious

A little late to post this, but I've been too busy staring in awe at its greatness. The Chronic...cles of Narnia video is the finest SNL sketch I've seen in quite a while. Make sure to check out the dudes at www.thelonelyisland.com as well--their videos even include the uber-hot Sarah Chalke.

Snack Time Muthafucka

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What a Team


The A's are absolutely stacked. They traded for Milton Bradley today, giving up an outstanding minor league outfielder for the headache, which is a sign they are finally going for it in 2006. Rather than putting everything off until next year, the A's are simply loaded already, without anymore magic from Beane. The starting lineup looks something like this:

2B: Mark Ellis (21.2 WS) (.384/.477/.861)
SS: Bobby Crosby (12 WS) (.346/.456/.802)
CF: Mark Kotsay (19 WS) (.325/.421/.746)
3B: Eric Chavez (21 WS) (.329/.466/.794)
RF: Milton Bradley (11 WS) (.350/.484/.835)
1B: Dan Johnson (10 WS) (.355/.451/.806)
DH: Nick Swisher (12 WS) (.322/.446/.768)
LF: Jay Payton (12 WS) (.302/.451/.753)
C: Jason Kendall (14 WS) (.345/.321/.666)

Compare this to last year's world champion Chicago White Sox, and the roster is

Podsednik (12)
Crede (14)
Konerko (24)
Thome (16--2006 expected win shares)
Dye (18)
Pierzynski (11)
Iguchi (17)
Uribe (17)
Anderson (0)

Assuming Anderson performs at the league average--and generously giving Thome 16 Win Shares, the A's bats are comparable to the White Sox' line up. In terms of starting pitching, if the ChiSox pick up Vazquez as expected, the A's and ChiSox starting staffs would be comparable, particularly if Harden is healthy.

Oakland ChiSox
Harden (2.53/1.06) Buehrle (3.12/1.18)
Zito (3.86/1.20) Garland (3.50/1.17)
Loaiza (3.77/1.30) Contreras (3.61/1.23)
Haren (3.73/1.22) Garcia (3.87/1.25)
Blanton (3.53/1.22) Vazquez (4.42/1.25)

Certain the A's pen, now consisting of Kennedy/Witasick/Saarloos/Duchscherer/Calero/Garcia/Street should outshine the ChiSox pen (at least during the regular season), yet if the injuries plague the A's this season as they did last, certainly the advantage could shift to other top AL teams. The Angels, as always, are dangerous, and the ChiSox/Twins/Blue Jays/Yankees/Red Sox all will vie for three playoff spots. Simply, if the A's can stay healthy, the Blue Jays pitching doesn't hold up, and the Yankees continue their implosion, teh A's should be in outstanding position to cruise to a Wild Card berth and give Anaheim a run for the AL west title.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tookie Dead

Just proving founding the largest and most violent gang in the United States is a poor career choice regardless of how many childrens books you write, Stan "Tookie" Williams was executed at midnight. Now, the death penalty may be overused in the United States, but writing a few kiddie novels simply doesn't justify putting off an execution. Rallying behind THE HEAD OF THE CRIPS is not the best plan of action for anti-death penalty activists. Seriously, these idiots have made Timothy McVeigh and Tookie Williams their posterboys for their cause--not exactly the best PR strategy. Here's a tip: go with the black guy incarcerated life on the third third strike of stealing a loaf of bread to feed his starving cancer stricken daughter.

Story Here

Monday, December 12, 2005

How's it hangin', Mohammed?

Just proving the answer to, "How's it going" is "Pretty well" in every language, 7 of 10 Iraqis rated their lives as "not too suicide-y" in a recent ABC poll. Not that this coincides with the whole "making up stories and planting them in Iraqi publications" thing, but it is a bit suspect...
Story Here

Friday, December 09, 2005

U Kansas Religious Studies Prof Resigns Post

CNN.com - Anti-creationism prof chair - Dec 8, 2005

Anti-creationism professor Paul Mirecki resigned as the chair of the University of Kansas Religious Studies department today amid concerns regarding his objectivity and acceptance of students with differing views. Both sides are doing an amazing job of skewing the issue; Mirecki was fired not because he disagreed with creationism and called the Creationism a 'myth', but because he said a, "course describing intelligent design as mythology would be a "nice slap in their big fat face." "Their" being Christian fundamentalists and Creationists. Certainly, the motivation behind teaching a course at a public university should not be to slap anyone in the face, particularly the obese who have enough to worry about.

On Monday, a few hicks stopped Mirecki's car and beat him with a metal object. "Mirecki was treated at a Lawrence hospital for head injuries after he said he was beaten by two men on a country road."

So let's dissect what really happened. Mirecki is a dick, and a petty one at that. Calling people names--regardless of how absurd their attempts to insert a baseless ideology into classrooms may be--is immature and inappropriate for anyone, let alone a professor attempting to wield his power to create a course as a 'slap in the face' of others. Resigning as department chair is the least he could do. Further, those who attacked him are criminals and should be prosecuted. That's it--nothing else to this, despite what Daily Kos and others may wish to make of it, whether it's turning this Mirecki guy into a martyr or attempts by the right to have him fired .


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

American Poetry

Autumn Begins in Martins Ferry, Ohio
Jim Wright

In the Shreve High football stadium,

I think of Polacks nursing long beers in Tiltonsville,
And gray faces of Negroes in the blast furnace at Benwood,
And the ruptured night watchman of Wheeling Steel,
Dreaming of heroes.
All the proud fathers are ashamed to go home.
Their women cluck like starved pullets,
Dying for love.

Therefore,
Their sons grow suicidally beautiful
At the beginning of October,
And gallop terribly against each other's bodies.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

"Dear Anderson Cooper of the Future"


..."You are so hot. xoxo, Anderson Cooper of the Past" Lil' Vandy, Anderson Cooper (son of Gloria Vanderbilt) is appearing in obnoxious ads straight out of an Urban Outfitters catalogue, such as the one to the left. Seriously, I don't want my news from a guy in a poofy jacket sitting on a goddamn sidewalk like a hobo in overpriced clothes. At least one thing is clear: CNN still doesn't get it.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Football Players Fail in the Classroom

Holy shit--football players at top Division I schools ain't the brightest bulbs in the box. When it comes to the classroom, Bubba's sure helping the curve.
This year's bowl-bound college football teams are struggling to meet the NCAA's new academic standards, with 41 percent falling below minimum requirements and almost half lacking a 50 percent graduation rate, according to a survey released Monday.
Granted, the list of last year's Division I teams which attended bowl games isn't exactly a laundry list of prestigious academic institutions. Yet even a top tier school such as Northwestern--which is usually the doormat of their conference--barely graduates more than three quarters of their football players. Certainly there are intelligent, studious football players. Yet there are far more of these kids who have no shot of making a career of football, yet are groomed by coaches throughout high school and college to play football with little concern for their academic ability. Seeing football as the only way out of dire economic circumstances--and foresaking academic advancement for the ability to run a slant route--obviously is only serving high school and college coaches.

Article Here

Al Jazeera Provides Good News for Bad Habits

Al Jazeera took a break from hating the United States to inform us those with serious drinking habits and weight problems benefit greatly from drinking over two cups of coffee each day.
Coffee and tea may reduce the risk of serious liver damage in people who drink too much alcohol, are overweight, or have too much iron in the blood, researchers reported.

The study of nearly 10,000 people showed that those who drank more than two cups of coffee or tea a day developed chronic liver disease at half the rate of those who drank less than one.
Considering I'm at around 6-8 cups per day, I can now quadruple my drinking habit. Thanks Al Jazeera!

Article Here

MIA

I'm going to be out of commission this week, finishing up an article regarding the threat postal delivery posed antebellum church officials. And drinking some brews with my bros and totally getting chicks. Go read this.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Merry (Iraqi) Maids


The United States Government is going to give someone $1.02 for writing the best proposal to turn 10 of Iraq's most chaotic cities into not-quite-hell-on-Earth. I just paid a guy from Merry Maids $20 to clean up my apartment which was a total disaster, so a cool bil to clean up Iraq is rather generous. Frankly, I thought that was the President's job--perhaps even before we invaded the place--yet what do I know. Anyone can apply; ability to fold hand towels into the shape of a swan a plus. If you gave a congressman a boat, that will do too.

Fed Grant: Fix Iraq
(via HuffPo)

Raelians News

If you thought the Discovery Institute wacko's 'Intelligent Design' nonsense is kookie, check out the Raelians. Sort of like Scientologists, without the cool celebrities and shit.

The idea that there are billions of planets similar to the Earth in the universe is also accepted by most scientists, as is the fact that our civilization may not be the most advanced in the universe. So having a much more advanced extraterrestrial human civilisation coming to Earth a long time ago to create life in a kind of panspermia is the most rational explanation of our origins.
Raelian News. More internet dorks get their news from Raelian News than any other source.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Philips Senseo Noriega


I received my free Philips Senseo in the mail three days ago and have realized it is a dangerous, dangerous device. The folks at Philips finally realized what drug pushers have known for millenia; give away the delivery device and charge for the sweet sweet nectar. Just fill up its water container, press the "on" button, stick in a single, pre-packaged packet of ground coffee, and voila, a freshly brewed 4 oz cup of coffee with a delicious frothy layer. A dab of CoffeeMate and the beverage tastes like a damn latte (and can be finished in two gulps). At times like these...namely, 11PM on a Saturday night while working on the thesis...I've gone through eight of the packets in the past three hours, and should really move the machine away from my desk.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Stewart, 'Laguna Beach' star call off engagement

First Nick and Jessica. Then rumors of BrittFed. Now Kim Stewart and "Laguna Beach Star".

Stewart, 'Laguna Beach' star call off engagement
Kimberly Stewart and "Laguna Beach" Star say their wedding plans are off. Stewart, the 26-year-old daughter of singer Rod Stewart, and Laguna Beach Star, a 19-year-old star of the MTV reality show, announced their engagement earlier this month. Laguna Beach Star's publicist, Jack Ketsoyan, said early Sunday that the two were no longer romantically involved. Stewart's representative, Elliot Mintz, said they "remain friends."
The important question here is obvious. Why the fuck does "Laguna Beach star" need a publicist?

Monkeys make every story better

Thursday, December 01, 2005

SU LIN READJUSTS SLEEPING POSITION!

Su Lin awoke, apparently uncomfortable, and decided to roll over. A-fuckin-dorable.






Su Cuter Than the Stick

Call the fight--San Diego's own Su Lin is making a bloody, uncute mess of The Stick. Just check out both Panda Cams--Su Lin is curled up in an adorable ball in her Birthing Den, comfortably resting on a bed of straw. The Stick, meanwhile, is trapped in some horrific Oz-esque prison hell, with bright lights, what looks to be a horse trough, and large metal bars to rest against. Su's got the good life...and is frankly infinitely more adorable.

The More You Know...

Wolf Parade, SF Show

I'm a bit late on this, but Wolf Parade is playing The Independent in SF January 4th and 5th, and The Casbah in SD January 2nd. Tickets are available--buy early and often.