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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Dear Tyra Banks: Why Do You Have Red Hair?

Dear Tyra,

We both know our relationship is on the rocks. I enjoyed your few months slumming it in Sacramento. While others mock your TV show, your personality, or your complete lack of a sense of fashion, I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you've received bad advice, or perhaps the fact I only purchase pants at Costco leaves me hesitant to ability to remark that it appears you stole your new, cheap, burgundy hair style from a 16 year old South Korean street-walker.
Yet during tonight's Next Top Model elimination ceremony, not only did you choose to cut the uber-hot Christina, but you also combined four cliches in two sentences. "One of you is full of life. But there is time for play, and time for work. Your progress today, makes us all say, 'what has she learned'?" Your voice--dripping with faux-gravitas while uttering such absurdities--is a shame to the modeling industry, the fine UPN Network, and the great United States of America. Shall you burn in the fiery inferno of hell and be stuck driving a Mercury Milan until the end of days.